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An Ancient Man’s Prayer to the Gods

First off, just want to thank you guys for all you’ve done lately. Ending that 20-year-long famine was fantastic, especially since our high priest had us sacrifice half of our livestock to you, thus reducing what little we had to live off of by 50 percent.

Now, I know we’re supposed to celebrate this bountiful harvest with an additional virgin sacrifice, but I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. The annual New Year’s sacrifice isn’t being disputed by anyone, as killing a virgin is obviously the only proper way to ensure our society survives until the year 2012, but frankly, the high priest’s recent proposals for new festival activities—such as “Hide and Seek (and Find and Sacrifice),” and “Red Rover, Red Rover, We Call _____ Over (to the Altar to Be Sacrificed)”—seem a bit excessive. It’s not that I don’t support you gods, but many of us in the community are concerned that we’re simply running out of virgins. Most sensible parents, such as myself, have instructed their daughters to be as slutty as possible in order to decrease their likelihood of being sacrificed.

However, while my daughters certainly won’t be anywhere near the chopping block, girls whose parents were foolish enough to shelter them should not have to pay for their parents’ mistakes. Given this question of fairness, combined with the shortage of virgins in general, I humbly ask you if it’s in any way possible for us to honor you with something other than a virgin sacrifice. Maybe we could sacrifice a year-old lamb instead? They’re pretty pure and innocent, right? Or, how about that creepy naked guy covered in olive oil that keeps “accidentally” throwing his discus through my front window? I know he’s not exactly pure, but I don’t think anyone in the tribe would be particularly upset to see him go. Alternatively, we could offer up to you our village’s entire chess club, which, while all-male, otherwise meets your sacrifice criteria perfectly.

Alas, I beg that you heed my plea, on behalf of the entire tribe of Quinnapaka, and once again send you my praises.

—V. Hall

This piece is from the Myth and Legend issue. Read the whole thing here!


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