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September 2007 Archives

Web Exclusive: "A Date with That Guy You Know"

Posted by The Yale Record on September 22, 2007 6:00 PM |
A Date with That Guy You Know Who's Always Bragging about the Awesome Stuff He Could Do if Only He Had the Right Equipment
By Kendall Rice '08

Tonight's your lucky night! I know a great restaurant a few blocks over, it's gonna change your life. By the way, you look beau--whoa, check out that bike rack over there! Yeah, if I had my skateboard, I'd be grinding all up on that bike rack. Bet you'd like to see that. I'll have to remember that's there.

So tell me about yourself. Any hobbies? I'm a skydiver, myself. Give me some sky and I'll just dive all over it. Sometimes I won't even use a parachute. Remind me the next time we're 20,000 feet up and I'll be happy to demonstrate.

But enough about me. Hey, is that guy being mugged? Looks pretty rough. Someone should probably do something. I know martial arts, y'know. Wish I'd brought my bo staff; I'd be messing those thugs up by now. Just like an action movie. Next time, huh?

Oh, great, we're here! Let's just open up these menus and--wait, where's the foie gras? This would've been such an awesome meal with some foie gras! You know what, I'll make it myself. Anyone have a goose? No? Bummer. Awright, garcon, just bring us a lobster or something.

So what's your major? Econ, really? That's cool. Mine's music. Shame there's no organ in this place; I do a Toccata and Fugue in d minor that'd make you shag me right here on this table. Oh, I see the piano in the corner. Trust me--it's not the same. So yeah, marginal utility curves. Wow.

Well, I'm really flattered you invited me into your apartment. It's been a great evening, considering what we had to work with, and now I'm gonna give you a night to remember. That's right, baby, I'm gonna--I'm gonna--oh. Well, I guess I'm done. Too bad. I could make such amazing love to you if I had a bigger--


Hey, you didn't have to slam the door in my face! Geez. I don't know what that chick's problem was. Give me a woman with an actual personality and I could be so emotionally fulfilled right now.

Unexpected Consequences of Global Warming

Posted by The Yale Record on September 16, 2007 12:00 AM |
Ice caps melting, polar bears drowning, STEP coordinators urinating on themselves out of panic... same old, same old. But as climate change worsens, what else can we expect? The Record staff has the apocalyptic answers:

  • Premiere of Day After the Day After Tomorrow
  • Barbara Walters No Longer Frigid Bitch, Now Merely Bitch
  • Elderly Jews Must Learn to Flee Polar Bears
  • Law and Order: SVU Canceled After Ice T Melts
  • Season Four of Lost Reveals the Island to be Antarctica
  • Vanilla Ice Nostalgia Sweeps Nation
  • Thawed Ted Williams Helps Red Sox Capture Division
  • NatiIce Gets Worse
  • Frozen Food Section Renamed Food Section
  • Kevin Costner Wins Lifetime Achievement Award for Waterworld
  • Icey-Hot Deemed Prophetic
  • California Roommates Stop Bitching About the Weather

Introducing...the YALE RECORD PRIZE

Posted by The Yale Record on September 15, 2007 11:08 PM |


It's that time again--submit up to three pieces for the Yale Record prize, given each year for the funniest piece of writing by a current Yale undergrad. First place wins $100, two second place winners get $50 each, and all three are invited to a party with the Record staff to honor their momentous(ly humorous) acheivements. Read the rules here and remember to submit early and often!

Superheroes' Lesser Known Sidekicks

Posted by The Yale Record on September 15, 2007 12:00 AM |

Eradicating evil from the planet isn't a one person task. The Record exposes little-known sidekicks who help superheroes get the job done.

  • Captain America -- Private the Philippines
  • Spiderman -- The Very Hungry Caterpillar
  • The Green Lantern -- The Mauve Flashlight
  • The Human Torch -- The Amphibious Menorah
  • Captain Planet -- Lieutenant Pluto
  • The Invisible Woman -- Guy with a Forgettable Face
  • The Thing -- That Other Thing
  • Daredevil -- Seatbelt Man
  • Cyclops -- Favorite Ram
  • Wolverine -- Nectarine 
  • Professor X -- Associate Lecturer Z
  • Storm -- Tropical Depression
  • Beast -- PBR

 

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Roommate on the First Night

Posted by The Yale Record on September 11, 2007 8:41 AM |
It took all of Camp Yale for us to forget the sting of these cheerful introductions from our freshman-year roommates. Make sure you're prepared by reading this list, written by Record staffers. (And stay tuned in for more list features in the future!)
  • You're a lot cuter than my last cell-mate.
  • Can my kids stay here?
  • My water just broke.
  • Awww...I thought there was gonna be one queen-sized bed.
  • My girlfriend goes to Qpac.
  • Hey, my name's Jeff Hitler, what's yours?
  • What's your World of Warcraft name?
  • I think every dude should learn to live with another's man stench at some point, don't you?
  • Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
  • What residential college are you in?

YALE RECORD MEETING - MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2007

Posted by The Yale Record on September 7, 2007 11:04 PM |
8:00 PM
WLH 112

It's our first real meeting of the year and we're excited to start work on our new issue. Bring 3 mailbags and compete for a fabulous prize! (read: whatever Adam decides to buy from the dollar store).

Snews Returns

Posted by Nozlee Samadzadeh on September 7, 2007 1:52 AM |

Now that the Record has finally finished (re)reading the 7th Harry Potter book, we're back with more sNews! Expect Record sNews throughout the semester, and be sure to show this to friends who like laughing, or who complain about not getting enough email.
Friday, September 7, 2007                                             Volume I, Issue I
Prayers to Remain Unanswered Until Jesus Finishes Deathly Hallows
By Kate Waldman

JESUS'S BEDROOM, HEAVEN-- More than six weeks after the release of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, heavenly sources announced that all incoming prayers will continue to go unheard until Jesus has completed the 784-page novel and given the ending time to "sink in."

"Relax, people," Saint Peter told reporters. "Everybody's prayers are going to get answered. Blessing the poor and meek has always been a priority for Jesus, right up there with finding out whether Harry is a Horcrux."

"Granted," he added, "we'd have a much bigger problem if Satan wasn't busy re-reading Goblet of Fire."

Citing record-low PRRs (Prayer Responsivity Rates) for late July and August 2007, concerned supplicants fear that they will never get the pay raise, enviable spouse, or cuddly pet guaranteed them as members of the Faithful. Some have begun praying feverishly for Jesus to answer their previous prayers, which, as Saint Peter explained, clogs the system.

After a spoiler disguised as a prayer gave away the ending of Half-Blood Prince in 2005, Jesus told friends that he would sever all earthly contacts for the duration of Book 7. But when asked yesterday why a novel most eleven-year-olds tear through in a matter of hours is taking Him upwards of seven weeks, the Son of Man replied only, "Blessed be the wizards, for the Kingdom of Hogwarts is theirs."

Speculation that Jesus needed to wait for Deathly Hallows' translation into Aramaic failed to satisfy some churchgoers. "I understand that Harry's final confrontation with Lord Voldemort, as well as the simmering tension between Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, is simply too important to put off," said Reverend Brown of Tulsa, OK. "But, Christ, what's taking so long?" The Reverend then clapped a hand over his mouth and quivered in terror before he remembered that Jesus wasn't listening.

Charlene Fairbanks, President of PURGE (Parents United to Restore God to Education), was shocked to hear of the Lamb's apparent interest in fantasy literature. Citing "rampant occultism" in Deathly Hallows, she recently authored a petition to ban Harry Potter from Heaven. "Spells, lycanthropy, moral relativism..." said Fairbanks. "Next thing you know Our Lord will start doubting His own existence. You can be sure I'll be writing to Mary about this."

But the Holy Virgin seemed pleased to see her Son enjoying himself on what most divine entities agree is a well-deserved vacation. She noted that "Jesus hasn't identified this strongly with a fictional character since Neo in the Matrix movies."



Other Harry Potter News:
  • Deathly Hallows Sequel Harry Potter and the Rather Large Order for Grecian Urns Set for 2009 Release
  • J.K. Rowling Transfigures 759-Page Word Document Into Thousands of Stacks of Legal Tender


    • Four Injured at Freshman Bazaar A Capella Snap-and-Sing Battle
    By Celina Kirchner

    BEINECKE PLAZA-- A cappella violence erupted once again at the 2007 Freshmen Activities Bazaar when members of four groups clashed in a battle of snaps, awkward choreography, and confrontational beat-boxing.

    As one witness told reporters, "First, an SOB cornered a promising freshman [Andy Fiske, CC '11] near the Yale for Obama table, but then a Spizzwink(?) cut him off mid-'Do you sing?' Before anyone knew what was happening, the Dukes were attacking in a tickle-fight formation and the BDs countered with a sultry arrangement of SexyBack in C-major."

    Only later would the group members learn that Fiske could not, in fact, sing.

    Summer News Roundup:
  • June 15: Hilton Hotels Introduces "Paris Suites" With Built-in Video Cameras, Bars on Windows
  • August 18: Bush Raises Terror Level, Citing "Jason Bourne Still on the Loose"
  • August 25: Football Owners Arrested for Running Human-Fighting Ring
    		•

    Just in time for shopping period...

    Posted by Nozlee Samadzadeh on September 7, 2007 1:02 AM |
    You've seen it on Facebook, but the Yale Record's Blue Book is now available online as well as in a dining hall near you. Freshmen were lucky enough to have the "Emergency Supplemental Blue Book" hand-delivered by Record staffers. We're working on how to get this to happen with the Internet--if it's a series of tubes then we should be able to jump in and slide through, right?

    Barry at the Bat

    Posted by Nozlee Samadzadeh on September 7, 2007 12:53 AM |
    Our very own former editor-in-chief, David Litt, has recently published a piece on The Big Jewel about everyone's favorite steroid-pumped, baseball-playing athlete, Barry Bonds. Read Barry at the Bat and lament the demise of America's pastime with soothing iambic pentameter.
    « August 2007 | Main Index | Archives | October 2007 »



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