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Now that the Record has finally finished (re)reading the 7th Harry Potter book, we're back with more sNews! Expect Record sNews throughout the semester, and be sure to show this to friends who like laughing, or who complain about not getting enough email.
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| Friday, September 7, 2007 Volume I, Issue I | |
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Prayers to Remain Unanswered Until Jesus
Finishes Deathly Hallows
By Kate Waldman JESUS'S BEDROOM, HEAVEN-- More than six weeks after the release of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, heavenly sources announced that all incoming prayers will continue to go unheard until Jesus has completed the 784-page novel and given the ending time to "sink in." "Relax, people," Saint Peter told reporters. "Everybody's prayers are going to get answered. Blessing the poor and meek has always been a priority for Jesus, right up there with finding out whether Harry is a Horcrux." "Granted," he added, "we'd have a much bigger problem if Satan wasn't busy re-reading Goblet of Fire." Citing record-low PRRs (Prayer Responsivity Rates) for late July and August 2007, concerned supplicants fear that they will never get the pay raise, enviable spouse, or cuddly pet guaranteed them as members of the Faithful. Some have begun praying feverishly for Jesus to answer their previous prayers, which, as Saint Peter explained, clogs the system. After a spoiler disguised as a prayer gave away the ending of Half-Blood Prince in 2005, Jesus told friends that he would sever all earthly contacts for the duration of Book 7. But when asked yesterday why a novel most eleven-year-olds tear through in a matter of hours is taking Him upwards of seven weeks, the Son of Man replied only, "Blessed be the wizards, for the Kingdom of Hogwarts is theirs." Speculation that Jesus needed to wait for Deathly Hallows' translation into Aramaic failed to satisfy some churchgoers. "I understand that Harry's final confrontation with Lord Voldemort, as well as the simmering tension between Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, is simply too important to put off," said Reverend Brown of Tulsa, OK. "But, Christ, what's taking so long?" The Reverend then clapped a hand over his mouth and quivered in terror before he remembered that Jesus wasn't listening. Charlene Fairbanks, President of PURGE (Parents United to Restore God to Education), was shocked to hear of the Lamb's apparent interest in fantasy literature. Citing "rampant occultism" in Deathly Hallows, she recently authored a petition to ban Harry Potter from Heaven. "Spells, lycanthropy, moral relativism..." said Fairbanks. "Next thing you know Our Lord will start doubting His own existence. You can be sure I'll be writing to Mary about this." But the Holy Virgin seemed pleased to see her Son enjoying himself on what most divine entities agree is a well-deserved vacation. She noted that "Jesus hasn't identified this strongly with a fictional character since Neo in the Matrix movies." |
Other Harry Potter News:
Four Injured at Freshman Bazaar A Capella Snap-and-Sing Battle By Celina Kirchner BEINECKE PLAZA-- A cappella violence erupted once again at the 2007 Freshmen Activities Bazaar when members of four groups clashed in a battle of snaps, awkward choreography, and confrontational beat-boxing. As one witness told reporters, "First, an SOB cornered a promising freshman [Andy Fiske, CC '11] near the Yale for Obama table, but then a Spizzwink(?) cut him off mid-'Do you sing?' Before anyone knew what was happening, the Dukes were attacking in a tickle-fight formation and the BDs countered with a sultry arrangement of SexyBack in C-major." Only later would the group members learn that Fiske could not, in fact, sing. Summer News Roundup: |
