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By Eric Purington '09
- Michael Jackson: "The role of the jury is to judge its peers. There is no one in this solar system who is remotely similar to me. Except Bubbles, and he's innocent."
- John Kerry: "One is disqualified by toolbaggery, isn't one?"
- Harold Bloom: "Because the rape of Jane Doe fails to live up to Shakespeare's Rape of Lucrece."
- Jerry Seinfeld: "It's too hard to squeeze situational humor out of a murder-suicide."
- Richard Levin: "I am a Chinese citizen."
- Det. John Shaft: "It's my duty to protect that booty. And last I checked, over 80 percent of lawyers, judges, bailiffs, and the indicted are male."
- Chuck Norris: "Because a roundhouse to the nuts is considered 'cruel and unusual.'"
- Bill Clinton: "I did not have sex with that stenographer. Yet."
- William Hung: "A Hung jury is a bad thing, right?"
