Yale Record Blog

Everybody's got something to be thankful for this week. Including these people:

I'm thankful for Batman
              --Robin

I'm thankful for my grappling hook
                --Batman

I'm thankful for the wealth of clothing, the tradition of negligence, and the absence of surveillance cameras in Yale laundry rooms
                --Someone who found a lost Yale ID card

I'm thankful for Gingivitis
                --The Tooth Fairy

I am thankful that neither dogs nor DEA agents think it's suspicious that I'm receiving twenty pounds of coffee in the mail each week.
                --My suitemate who takes 3 classes

I'm thankful that you lost your job and your wife left you.  Drink up.
                -Annheiseur Bush

I'm thankful for the writer's strike
                --People willing to humiliate themselves for a chance to be on TV

I'm thankful for self-referential humor
                --This Sentence

I am thankful for the Mafia
                --Joe's Cement Mixing and Shovel Manufacturing Company

It's Sunday again--time for another (entirely false) breaking story from the Yale Daily Snews.

Scientists Make Better Lovers, Scientists Report By Jacob Abolafia PALO ALTO, CA--In the current issue of Nature, researchers from Stanford University report that the most sexually satisfying partners are found in the field of science research. "It makes sense," said Dr. Daniel Edelstein, the director of Stanford's Human Genetics lab, and creator of the popular "I wish I were DNA Helicase so I could unzip ur genes" facebook group. "Scientists have amazing dexterity from hours of careful instrument calibration. Let's just say, data's not the only thing we've been known to massage." His partner, Dr. Kevin Wu added, "It takes an average of thirteen years to get tenure. That's endurance, baby." Also scoring highly in the study were lab technicians, the Best Buy "Geek Squad," and Physicist Richard "Candy Pants" Feynman. Scoring surprisingly low in the study were professional athletes and male models. When asked about this anomaly Dr. George Clooney, editor of the Proceedings of the National Academy of People Who Are The Sexiest Man Alive took issue with the results, claiming that "the use of a two-tailed t-test rather than ANOVA" was the work of "amateurs."

We at the Yale Record believe no "The Game" should pass without sophomoric t-shirts to symbolically represent our sophomoric (but stringent) anti-Harvard views. Following a long line of shirts in Record ages past, this year's Harvard shirt sold out within two days. Let's have another look at this classy gem for old time's sake:

[the front]


[and our nice little owl on the back, as well as a date to ensure nobody dares to recycle it]


And just remember, Harfart's team may fight to the end, but YALE WILL WIN!

This week we have a new feature at the blog--Snews, the Record's journalistic parody of the Yale Daily News as well as world events. Stay tuned for more (fake) news stories, updated here every Sunday.

Love for America Rekindled by Viewing of The Patriot By Gregor Nazarian MADISON, WI--Resident Robert Lawton experienced an unexpected surge of patriotism Tuesday after a solitary late-night viewing of the 2000 blockbuster The Patriot. The experience demonstrated to him the United States' supremacy in qualities such as freedom, loyalty, tomahawk marksmanship, and moral courage. The film, directed by German-born Roland Emmerich, has also forced Lawton to reassess his position on the British military, which had been favorable since an April viewing of Zulu, starring Michael Caine. Lawton's fervor for the land of his birth reached its highest point when he skipped the second half of the credits to search his hallway closet for the American flag he had purchased at a 2003 yard sale after watching Glory, featuring Denzel Washington. The flag, Lawton said, "will be out there flying free as the spirits of Captain Martin's murdered sons, as soon as I can borrow that ladder from [co-worker] Will [Balducci]." The flag temporarily rests on top of Lawton's microwave, next to a bowl of assorted El Paso sauce packets, which Lawton purchased Monday after a Taco Bell commercial rekindled his love of ethnic foods.

ATTENTION: Due to the high volume of students desiring to eat at Pierson and the Yale belief that one must apply for anything of real value, we require all dinner eating candidates to fill out the application below and submit it no later than 3 hours before the dining halls open.  This will give our admissions officers ample to time to inform you of their decision to feed you, not feed you, or put you on the wait list to be fed.

Name: Daniel Bennett                        College: Silliman                                Year: 2009           

Preferred Name:  "The Hammer"         Are you in Pierson  YES/NO   Why not?:  I'm sorry            

What other meals have you eaten today: 

DNNG 105: Breakfast

DNNG 234: Lunch (magna cum crudita)

Have you eaten dinner before?  Yes      If so, why are you applying again: I'm hungry   

Please explain why you are a qualified candidate for the Dinner at Pierson program: