Scientists Make Better Lovers, Scientists Report
By Jacob Abolafia
PALO ALTO, CA--In the current issue of Nature, researchers from Stanford University report that the most sexually satisfying partners are found in the field of science research.
"It makes sense," said Dr. Daniel Edelstein, the director of Stanford's Human Genetics lab, and creator of the popular "I wish I were DNA Helicase so I could unzip ur genes" facebook group. "Scientists have amazing dexterity from hours of careful instrument calibration. Let's just say, data's not the only thing we've been known to massage." His partner, Dr. Kevin Wu added, "It takes an average of thirteen years to get tenure. That's endurance, baby."
Also scoring highly in the study were lab technicians, the Best Buy "Geek Squad," and Physicist Richard "Candy Pants" Feynman.
Scoring surprisingly low in the study were professional athletes and male models. When asked about this anomaly Dr. George Clooney, editor of the Proceedings of the National Academy of People Who Are The Sexiest Man Alive took issue with the results, claiming that "the use of a two-tailed t-test rather than ANOVA" was the work of "amateurs."
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