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By Avinash Chak '11
Rock & Roll
Elvis Presley, the so-called "King
of Rock 'n' Roll," stole early rhythm and blues songs and remade them for white
audiences. Further stealing from African-American culture, white people have
copied Tupac fans in claiming that Elvis still lives.
Sliced Bread
White people have an irritating
habit of saying everything with likeable qualities is "the greatest thing since
sliced bread." They neglect to mention that sliced bread was invented by
Australian Aborigines who felt this shape for bread would be ideal for toast
upon which to spread marmite - another food white people claim to have
discovered. Come on, white people!
Gangsta
Rap
Popular hip-hop acts K-Fed and
Vanilla Ice are not OGs as they claim. These gangsta frauds can usually be
distinguished by the fact that what their drugs of choice are Aterol and Xanax,
and that their definition of "trouble with the cops" is needing to hire a
$600-an-hour lawyer.
Fried Chicken
No, fried goodness was not
invented by Colonel Sanders. The Colonel, who fought under Robert E. Lee at the
Battle of Bull Run, stole the recipe from a slave, then used it to start
Kentucky Fried Chicken. KFC then butchered the original recipe by removing the
chicken and just serving fried breading. Hooray capitalism!
Lacrosse
Contrary to popular belief, lax
was not invented by a "Bro." Native American tribes were the first to play this
sport--on mile-long fields, using enemy heads as balls. When Shawnee leader
Tecumseh was told of how whitey plays lacrosse, his reply was, "Cradling?
Cradling is for bitches."
Mayonnaise
White America's favorite condiment
was first discovered by Mexicans in the early 1800s. During the war for Texan
Independence, the Mexican army attacked a band of white settlers who had found
the secret recipe for Mayonnaiso.
They killed each and every one of them at the Alamo, but not before Davey
Crockett sent a message by carrier pigeon detailing the recipe and telling all
to "Remember the Alamo as a turning point in Caucasian culinary history." By
the time this message reached American lines, the second part was covered in
pigeon shit and was no longer legible.
