By Ben Orlin '09
To be diagnosed with March Madness, a patient must present with no fewer than four (4) of the following emotional or behavioral disturbances, for a period of no fewer than two (2) weeks, beginning no later than the Round of Thirty-Two (32):
- Diminished productivity at work or school
- Uncontrollable mood swings
- Overuse of Cinderella metaphors
- Compulsive refreshing of ESPN.com
- Irrational hatred of Duke University
- Hallucinations of charging
- Picking two 11-seeds to go to the Elite Eight
Note that March Madness is highly comorbid with Pennant Fever. No proven treatment exists, but if UCLA loses in the final four, then a maintenance dose of pretzels and beer can reduce depressive symptoms.
