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November 2009 Archives

HOW TO LOSE YOUR GUY IN SEVEN DEADLY DAYS

Posted by The Yale Record on November 13, 2009 5:20 PM | Permalink

By L. Sedlacek

Gluttony: Does your husband ever complain that dinner isn't up to scratch? That's okay; start making gourmet dinners, and then eat as much as you can right in front of him! Either he'll be so disgusted by the image of you stuffing your cheeks with pork chops that he'll give up on eating altogether, or he'll join in with you and eat himself to death. Either way, you win!

Lust: Before all that eating catches up with you, show off the goods so you can get some goods yourself. Sure, you can lust after your husband, but why bother, when the neighbors pool boy is a Greek Adonis wearing a dripping-wet Speedo.

Continue reading HOW TO LOSE YOUR GUY IN SEVEN DEADLY DAYS.

Introducing The Internet Issue!

Posted by The Yale Record on November 13, 2009 5:19 PM | Permalink

The Internet Issue is here! Read about When Facebook Was Only For The Military, Harold Bloom's Google Searches, and a Family Phishing Trip.

A Minute In The Life Of A Goldfish

Posted by The Yale Record on November 13, 2009 5:17 PM | Permalink

They say that the average goldfish has an attention span of 6 seconds...

What do I do all day? That's a good question. I spend about 100% of my day swimming, give or take and--ooo fish food. I. Love. Fish food. I usually spend the whole day eating fish food. It's probably--is that a castle? What is a castle doing down here? I could stay there the entire day. I'd like to--is it just me or does that coral reef behind us look kind of flat? I've been bumping into it all day and it feels just like bumping into glass. Oh crap, not another new fish. Those little tetras eat our food all the time. And I love fish food. What is that giant eye staring at me and how the hell does it blink? I've been observing it carefully for the better part of the day and I've found--wow there are some big fish in here. I've been swimming with them most of the day and they scare the daylights out of me. I hear they use seaweed. I'm just kidding, there's no seaweed in here. Don't you hate it when you get food stuck in your fin? It's like "guess I'm not eating today." And those damn tetras will take a good 24 hours to try and sneak in and grab it, I hate tetras. I want to--I'm in a giant bag. These situations are so awkward, everybody in cramped quarters trying to pretend their friends. You end up spending a day trying to initiate a conversation about nothing. So what do I do all day? Free associate.

-J. Greenblatt