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By L. Sedlacek
Gluttony: Does your husband ever complain that dinner isn't up to scratch? That's okay; start making gourmet dinners, and then eat as much as you can right in front of him! Either he'll be so disgusted by the image of you stuffing your cheeks with pork chops that he'll give up on eating altogether, or he'll join in with you and eat himself to death. Either way, you win!
Lust: Before all that eating catches up with you, show off the goods so you can get some goods yourself. Sure, you can lust after your husband, but why bother, when the neighbors pool boy is a Greek Adonis wearing a dripping-wet Speedo.
Greed: Your husband is going to start getting on your case soon, meaning now is the time to use that Visa that is only for emergencies. Get a new dress--hell, get five! Go buy yourself a diamond ring, and a sexy convertible to drive when you take that pool boy out. While you're at it, get a bikini to wear in your neighbors' pool. Which brings you to your next step...
Envy: Speaking of your neighbors' pool, it's time to take that sucker over. That way you can have it, and its pool boy, all to yourself. If the neighbors aren't home, you could rifle through Mrs. Next Door's closet and make sure all the clothes you buy on that Visa are just as good or better. And go ahead and get yourself some liposuction. With all that gluttony, you'll need it to make sure your T&A are as fine as hers. When the neighbors catch on, your husband is the perfect scapegoat! Just make sure you're out of the line of fire when they take their revenge.
Sloth: Okay, you've shopped till you dropped, your eating habits have put some real pressures on your heart, and for the time being, that pool boy's got you pretty much sexed out. It's time for some relaxation. Take a break, lie down on the couch, watch all 21 seasons of The Simpsons. Your husband can stand there and yell at you all he wants; it doesn't matter. Besides, the main purpose of the Sloth step is to lure him into a false sense of security, all in preparation for step six...
Wrath: Kill him. That's right. After all, if you loved him, you wouldn't have committed all these sins in the first place. He's yelled, he's bitched, and not once has he ever apologized. So cut that bastard like a Christmas ham--it's payback time! Don't forget to take out a good life insurance policy out on him first.
Pride: This final sin is a bit different from the others, just like you are a bit different from everyone else. Your work is accomplished and you deserve a reward. Buy yourself a pocket mirror, in which you can admire yourself at any time of day. Just stare at your wonderful features, look at that beautiful face, and know that you are the greatest of God's creations. Nay, you are greater than God himself!
