The Alumni Issue is here! Read about The Great Yale Tour, PC Alternatives To Coming Out Of The Closet, and Post-College Stress Disorder.
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2. They dry the trays with water.
3. Commons is lined with metal wires. Students' use of metallic silverware power President Levin's three escalades.
4. Serving in World War II, George Bush Sr. captured Emperor Hirohito's strategic tofu reserve. It was all donated to Yale in 1946.
5. No one has ever added a recipe to Yale dining's menu... and survived.
-S. Chaffetz, '12
By L. Sedlacek
Gluttony: Does your husband ever complain that dinner isn't up to scratch? That's okay; start making gourmet dinners, and then eat as much as you can right in front of him! Either he'll be so disgusted by the image of you stuffing your cheeks with pork chops that he'll give up on eating altogether, or he'll join in with you and eat himself to death. Either way, you win!
Lust: Before all that eating catches up with you, show off the goods so you can get some goods yourself. Sure, you can lust after your husband, but why bother, when the neighbors pool boy is a Greek Adonis wearing a dripping-wet Speedo.
]]>Greed: Your husband is going to start getting on your case soon, meaning now is the time to use that Visa that is only for emergencies. Get a new dress--hell, get five! Go buy yourself a diamond ring, and a sexy convertible to drive when you take that pool boy out. While you're at it, get a bikini to wear in your neighbors' pool. Which brings you to your next step...
Envy: Speaking of your neighbors' pool, it's time to take that sucker over. That way you can have it, and its pool boy, all to yourself. If the neighbors aren't home, you could rifle through Mrs. Next Door's closet and make sure all the clothes you buy on that Visa are just as good or better. And go ahead and get yourself some liposuction. With all that gluttony, you'll need it to make sure your T&A are as fine as hers. When the neighbors catch on, your husband is the perfect scapegoat! Just make sure you're out of the line of fire when they take their revenge.
Sloth: Okay, you've shopped till you dropped, your eating habits have put some real pressures on your heart, and for the time being, that pool boy's got you pretty much sexed out. It's time for some relaxation. Take a break, lie down on the couch, watch all 21 seasons of The Simpsons. Your husband can stand there and yell at you all he wants; it doesn't matter. Besides, the main purpose of the Sloth step is to lure him into a false sense of security, all in preparation for step six...
Wrath: Kill him. That's right. After all, if you loved him, you wouldn't have committed all these sins in the first place. He's yelled, he's bitched, and not once has he ever apologized. So cut that bastard like a Christmas ham--it's payback time! Don't forget to take out a good life insurance policy out on him first.
Pride: This final sin is a bit different from the others, just like you are a bit different from everyone else. Your work is accomplished and you deserve a reward. Buy yourself a pocket mirror, in which you can admire yourself at any time of day. Just stare at your wonderful features, look at that beautiful face, and know that you are the greatest of God's creations. Nay, you are greater than God himself!
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They say that the
average goldfish has an attention span of 6 seconds...
What do I do all day? That's a good question. I spend about 100% of my day swimming, give or take and--ooo fish food. I. Love. Fish food. I usually spend the whole day eating fish food. It's probably--is that a castle? What is a castle doing down here? I could stay there the entire day. I'd like to--is it just me or does that coral reef behind us look kind of flat? I've been bumping into it all day and it feels just like bumping into glass. Oh crap, not another new fish. Those little tetras eat our food all the time. And I love fish food. What is that giant eye staring at me and how the hell does it blink? I've been observing it carefully for the better part of the day and I've found--wow there are some big fish in here. I've been swimming with them most of the day and they scare the daylights out of me. I hear they use seaweed. I'm just kidding, there's no seaweed in here. Don't you hate it when you get food stuck in your fin? It's like "guess I'm not eating today." And those damn tetras will take a good 24 hours to try and sneak in and grab it, I hate tetras. I want to--I'm in a giant bag. These situations are so awkward, everybody in cramped quarters trying to pretend their friends. You end up spending a day trying to initiate a conversation about nothing. So what do I do all day? Free associate.
-J. Greenblatt
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AK-47s
Radioactive fallout
Meteorites
Tidal waves
Carbon dioxide
Amputation
-Adam Bildersee, '09
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