My darling wife, on the eve of our marriage, I'd like to whisper a few words to you. No, no, don't speak, my little dove. I want the world to know that I will never let you go. Ever.

When we go to sleep, I will hold you until the break of dawn. And when that dawn breaks, I'm still not going to let you go. Then midway through the day, I will surprise you at your cute little desk job, and bring you bonbons and daisies, and skunk eye that guy two cubicles down who ogles you. Then, two hours later I will drop by the house and leave rose petals on your pillows, and also make sure that you aren't in our bed with the milkman.

 
We'll crawl in bed later, and I'll make sweet love to you while you lay there, probably thinking about your personal trainer or Hans, the bag boy at Duane Reed. And when we've finished, you'll ask me if I've noticed that the milkman has stopped leaving milk in our box, and I'll pretend to have already fallen asleep to avoid answering the question.

 
Darling, I can't wait to grow old with you. Because then you'll be so senile you won't remember your past boyfriends, and so decrepit that nobody could possibly want to take you away from me, and so feeble that even if they did, you'd be practically immobile anyway.

 
Now, how about crawling under these red satin sheets with me, hmm?

 
...Honey?

• I'm glad that when they made the alphabet, I and I were put in the same place.
• There's no "I" in "menage a un," but there is a "me."
• Is there a reflecting pool in my pocket? 'Cuz I just fell in love with the image of myself in my pants.
• What's my sign?
• How do I like my eggs in the morning? Preferably still as testicles.
• I lost my virginity, can I have mine?
• Nice shoes, wanna masturbate?
• I wish I were E^x so I could lie tangent to my own curves.
• There's a party in my pants and I'm invited.
• I look a lot like my next boyfriend.

Here's what I don't get about therapy. You pay a guy to help you with your problems, but all he does is sit there and listen to you drone on and on. Waste of money, right? I might as well be talking to that fichus right there. 

Who even came up with the name fichus? It sounds like a Roman's dog. "Here, Fichus! Go fetch the discus!" Or it could be a swear word for a giant. You know - "Fee fi fo... aw, fichus, what happened to my golden harp?" And everyone already knows the answer to that question. Jack stole it! Or was that the goose with the Golden Eggs?

What's the deal with questions, anyway? I mean, there's always that high-pitched ending to the sentence. You know? It's like they're breathing in helium. And forget about those people who are tone deaf! You know: the ones who can't modulate their voice tone at all. They sound like they're asking questions all day. Like therapists. What's the deal with therapy, anyway?

To be diagnosed with March Madness, a patient must present with no fewer than four (4) of the following emotional or behavioral disturbances, for a period of no fewer than two (2) weeks, beginning no later than the Round of Thirty-Two (32):

• Diminished productivity at work or school
• Uncontrollable mood swings
• Overuse of Cinderella metaphors
• Compulsive refreshing of ESPN.com
• Irrational hatred of Duke University
• Hallucinations of charging
• Picking two 11-seeds to go to the Elite Eight

Note that March Madness is highly comorbid with Pennant Fever. No proven treatment exists, but if UCLA loses in the final four, then a maintenance dose of pretzels and beer can reduce depressive symptoms.

• It's Hailing Men
• It's Misting Men
• It's Groundswelling Men
• It's a Cool Low-Pressure System Moving in From the West... of Men
• It's Drizzling Hermaphrodites
• It's Sleeting Meat
• Cloudy with a Chance of Men
• 7 to 9 Inches
  

A month before he resigned from office, Eliot Spitzer was asked by an old friend if he liked being governor of New York. "I hate it," he answered. "Really?" the friend asked. "Yeah, I'd rather be a high-school teacher."

-Newsweek, March 24, 2008

MR. SPITZER: Okay, class. Welcome back from break. Let's resume our study of American history with a little quiz on governmental ethics.
STUDENT #1: Aw, Mr. Spitzer, a pop quiz on the first day back?

Later...
A FRIEND: So, Eliot, are you happy being a high school history teacher?
MR. SPITZER: I hate it.
A FRIEND: Really?
MR. SPITZER: At least it beats being the governor of a large, prosperous state.
A FRIEND: Yeah, anything but that.

From the author of The Bible and its gripping sequel, The Book of Mormon, we are proud to announce God's Laboratory: The Man, The Myth, The Maker, now in its second edition with a forward by Carl Sagan. Follow The Lord on a journey through human technology past, present, and future, presented through stunning excerpts from his personal laboratory journal. But you don't have to believe me because I'm a paragraph; just take a look at these excerpts omitted from the previous edition:

The Sharpened Bone: "I thought that natural selection might need a helping hand." 

Television: "This should keep them distracted while I figure out what the hell is going on in Africa."

The Ostrich: "I think irony is my strongest suit."

Fire: "I knew Man would fuck that up." 

God's critics and colleagues agree, this book is righteous.

Abraham - "I'll kill my first-born to get this book. No, really."

Jonah - "I'd read this book, if I could read or not be in this whale."

Pope Benedict XVI - "I think it's great! Take it from me; I'm infallible."

Holy Spirit - "This book will leave you uncomfortably satisfied."

Announcer: It's the 21^st century, and everything's going cyber! I'm here to tell you about an exciting new computer, one that's completely revolutionizing the world we know!

Camera pans to a mid-90s style computer, with the Windows 95 startup logo on screen.

Announcer: Can YOUR computer turn on with the press of ONE button? Well, the Dell Attitude 1337 for Data Computing and Word Processing certainly can! No longer do you have to untangle wires, hunt for switches, and clear several empty wall outlets before turning on your computer! ONE button and ONE wall outlet's all you need!

Camera cuts to a standard wall outlet, with only one cord plugged into the wall.

Announcer: Not only can it turn on with a single button, but you need just a combination of letters--called a password--to start using your cutting-edge new computer! 

Announcer: Have you ever been worried about how on earth you're going to transfer files from computer to computer? Well, worry no longer--the Attitude 1337 comes with its very own floppy disk drive! A floppy disk is a little something which stores little other somethings!

And the best part is, if you call in the next e^π minutes, it can be yours for only 99 easy payments of $19.95!

That's right! For only 99 payments of $19.95, you'll get this AMAZING computer! AND, if you give the correct value of e^π to three decimal places, we'll even give you a keyboard with letters already painted on their corresponding keys--a must-have for all computer users! Call 1-800-HIGHTECH now to place your order! You can't find the Attitude 1337 in stores, folks--this number is the ONLY way to get it!  

Announcer pauses; camera cuts to a blue screen with price, phone number, picture, and mailing address of company.

Fine print flashes on screen, reading:

• Spherical paperweights
• Souvenir mugs made out of elephant dung
• Torture device key-chains, from the National Torture Museum
• Sex toy key-chains, from National Sex Toy Museum
• Key-chain key-chains, from the National Key-chain Museum
• Stale saltwater taffy
• Pressed pennies with Abe Lincoln's image on them, from the Abe Lincoln Presidential Library
• Origami condoms
• The child Brangelina didn't choose from Cambodia
• "My Grandma went to the Senior Weightlifting Olympics and all I got was this stupid shirt!" shirts
• Postcards of fat women in bathing suits
• Twin Tower salt and pepper shakers, from Saudi Arabia
• Seashells
• Jumbo-Size Holy Water Souvenir Cups, from Mecca
• New Orleans Stormglobes

Maybe you're like me and are too broke or lazy to go on a real trip, but despair not! You don't have to leave your house (or even your room) to take an awesome vacation; all you need is a personal computer. On the Internet you can travel daily to Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy's penthouse, while the forests in World of Warcraft make for great camping. You can download a neat screensaver with a palm tree that rivals the swankiest tropical resort. You can even send your friends on vacation with a nifty Facebook application.

Real vacations waste time and money, and, most importantly involve getting off my fat ass. When the world is at your fingertips, there's no need to burn any extra calories by expanding your horizons, or walking. So grab a jar of Vaseline, pour yourself a glass of Mountain Dew, and toast Al Gore, the inventor of your favorite vacation destination.