Yale Record Blog

By Jordy Greenblatt '11

• Throw metal into the detector as people walk through
• Exchange a dollar for 16,000 Vietnamese dongs and make it rain money
• See how loudly you can say "bomb" before having your civil rights revoked
• Approach the ticket desk with song requests
• Insist on buying items in terminal shops only in dongs, as an anti-capitalist statement
• Make some money selling condoms in terminal headed to Las Vegas
• Lose some teeth selling evolutionary biology textbooks in the terminal headed to Tennessee
• Color in all the letter 'o's in the Wall Street Journal, and change the dollar signs to dong signs
• Go through security over and over until you get frisked by the one attractive security officer
• Get an aerobic workout on the escalator
• Lure children away from their parents by offering them candy and dongs from your trench coat
• Travel Scrabble

More to come in the Record's Travel Issue, hitting dining halls, mailboxes, and in-boxes tomorrow!

It's Sunday again--time for another (entirely false) breaking story from the Yale Daily Snews.

Scientists Make Better Lovers, Scientists Report By Jacob Abolafia PALO ALTO, CA--In the current issue of Nature, researchers from Stanford University report that the most sexually satisfying partners are found in the field of science research. "It makes sense," said Dr. Daniel Edelstein, the director of Stanford's Human Genetics lab, and creator of the popular "I wish I were DNA Helicase so I could unzip ur genes" facebook group. "Scientists have amazing dexterity from hours of careful instrument calibration. Let's just say, data's not the only thing we've been known to massage." His partner, Dr. Kevin Wu added, "It takes an average of thirteen years to get tenure. That's endurance, baby." Also scoring highly in the study were lab technicians, the Best Buy "Geek Squad," and Physicist Richard "Candy Pants" Feynman. Scoring surprisingly low in the study were professional athletes and male models. When asked about this anomaly Dr. George Clooney, editor of the Proceedings of the National Academy of People Who Are The Sexiest Man Alive took issue with the results, claiming that "the use of a two-tailed t-test rather than ANOVA" was the work of "amateurs."

This week we have a new feature at the blog--Snews, the Record's journalistic parody of the Yale Daily News as well as world events. Stay tuned for more (fake) news stories, updated here every Sunday.

Love for America Rekindled by Viewing of The Patriot By Gregor Nazarian MADISON, WI--Resident Robert Lawton experienced an unexpected surge of patriotism Tuesday after a solitary late-night viewing of the 2000 blockbuster The Patriot. The experience demonstrated to him the United States' supremacy in qualities such as freedom, loyalty, tomahawk marksmanship, and moral courage. The film, directed by German-born Roland Emmerich, has also forced Lawton to reassess his position on the British military, which had been favorable since an April viewing of Zulu, starring Michael Caine. Lawton's fervor for the land of his birth reached its highest point when he skipped the second half of the credits to search his hallway closet for the American flag he had purchased at a 2003 yard sale after watching Glory, featuring Denzel Washington. The flag, Lawton said, "will be out there flying free as the spirits of Captain Martin's murdered sons, as soon as I can borrow that ladder from [co-worker] Will [Balducci]." The flag temporarily rests on top of Lawton's microwave, next to a bowl of assorted El Paso sauce packets, which Lawton purchased Monday after a Taco Bell commercial rekindled his love of ethnic foods.

ATTENTION: Due to the high volume of students desiring to eat at Pierson and the Yale belief that one must apply for anything of real value, we require all dinner eating candidates to fill out the application below and submit it no later than 3 hours before the dining halls open.  This will give our admissions officers ample to time to inform you of their decision to feed you, not feed you, or put you on the wait list to be fed.

Name: Daniel Bennett                        College: Silliman                                Year: 2009           

Preferred Name:  "The Hammer"         Are you in Pierson  YES/NO   Why not?:  I'm sorry            

What other meals have you eaten today: 

DNNG 105: Breakfast

DNNG 234: Lunch (magna cum crudita)

Have you eaten dinner before?  Yes      If so, why are you applying again: I'm hungry   

Please explain why you are a qualified candidate for the Dinner at Pierson program:

          

By Jerry Lieblich '10

Drugs. Smack. Dope. Nose Candy. These are my world. I'm the guy who's gotta roam the streets to protect the little kiddies from the dark, disgusting world of substance abuse and drug addiction. A lone crusader in a beige trench coat, armed only my badge and my moxy, up against a world of users, abusers, dealers, and stealers. I'm Scruff McGruff, crime-fighting canine, and I'm here to take a bite out of crime.

I started the night off as usual, checking in with my assistant, Dean. Dean's a good kid--doesn't have much sense, but he makes it up with spunk.

"What's the case tonight, Dean?" I ask.

By Eric Purington '09

• Michael Jackson: "The role of the jury is to judge its peers. There is no one in this solar system who is remotely similar to me. Except Bubbles, and he's innocent."
• John Kerry: "One is disqualified by toolbaggery, isn't one?"
• Harold Bloom: "Because the rape of Jane Doe fails to live up to Shakespeare's Rape of Lucrece."
• Jerry Seinfeld: "It's too hard to squeeze situational humor out of a murder-suicide."
• Richard Levin: "I am a Chinese citizen."
• Det. John Shaft: "It's my duty to protect that booty. And last I checked, over 80 percent of lawyers, judges, bailiffs, and the indicted are male."
• Chuck Norris: "Because a roundhouse to the nuts is considered 'cruel and unusual.'"
• Bill Clinton: "I did not have sex with that stenographer. Yet."
• William Hung: "A Hung jury is a bad thing, right?"

The Record's first issue of the year--the theme is CRIME--will be released next Tuesday. We're just as excited as you are. As we count down the 5 remaining days, we'll also have 5 web-only crime-related pieces to help us all out as we wait. Look for them starting tomorrow.

And don't forget about Tuesday's release event in Branford College, with free Claire's cake and copies of the Crime Issue. You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!

By Michael Thornton '09

• Building sandcastles
• Watching the television station
• Paper-mache with inflated currency
• Imagining playing golf
• Going to the bazaar to try on the spring line of flak jackets
• Not getting tortured
• Thinking of synonyms for "Godless infidel"
• Recharging one's batteries--of rage
• Choking back tears