Breaking: DC Comics Reboots

In an effort to spur sagging sales, DC Comics has recently rebooted its Justice League series, and plans to start all of its 52 continuing series over at “No. 1.” What other things can DC do to entice bored readers?

• Design all subsequent spin-off video games/films to spontaneously restart whenever creatives run out of ideas

• Make Oprah a Lantern

• Huffable inks

• Female superpowers only work when topless

• Every 1000th copy has limited-edition, holographic $50 bill

• More and better ret-cons

• Kill off all the shitty characters as amusingly as possible (I’m looking at you, Green Arrow)

• Provide content more relevant to today’s kids, just long enough for me to pay my goddamn mortgage

• Bring back some of the casual racism and xenophobia that gave 1930s-era comics so much “pep”

• Teen Titans become group of misfit high schoolers who sing covers of pop hits and teach lessons of tolerance

• Shrug and make a lot more movies

—Staff (Chiasson, Cohen-Wade, Gandert, Newsham)