Breaking: NFL Predictions 2011

Tonight is the start of the NFL season. What are your predictions?

• Somebody’ll twist an ankle if they’re not careful.
• Total of 142 games of suspensions handed down for inappropriate tweets.
• Rule changes will result in deification of kickers.
• Tampa Bay dumps their starting QB in favor of two medium-sized horses.
• Vince Wilfork sex scandal.
• Tom Brady will get a serious concussion and we’ll collectively re-evaluate our love of a brutal sport, while secretly being kind of happy.
• Non-fans will continue to ask, “Wait, the Washington what? For a second I thought you said Redskins. That’d be crazy, huh?”
• Some poor suckers will talk themselves into Randy Moss.
• I’m taking Parkinson’s plus the points.
• One in four butt-pats will mean something.
• Brett Favre will probably break his own home run record, and I will continue to not watch sports.
• Super Bowl halftime show will actually induce vomiting.
• Michael Vick will win the Super Bowl, then celebrate by killing a dog; no one in Philadelphia will care.
• Bills will seriously contend for at least three games.
• I’ll finally snap and yell, “No! I’m not ready for some football. It’s fucking Monday night! Do you know what time I have to be up in the morning!”

—Staff (Chernicoff, Kahn, Newsham, Orlin, Thornton)