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Dear HBO,…

Dear HBO, I have an awesome idea for a show. It’s about lunatics who do awful things and don’t realize they’re awful. Many of them are sociopathic; many of them…

Dear tiny people from the ATM,…

Dear tiny people from the ATM, Do you sleep on beds of dollar bills? With dollar bills for bedsheets? I will trade you dollar-sized pieces of cloth for dollars, if…

To whom it may concern,…

To whom it may concern, OMG I’m like so fat, hahahaha. I mean, look at me. I’m like…too tall, overweight, like literally a hilarious ball of fatness. Haha. Hahahaha. What…

Dear pornography,…

Dear pornography, Thank you. Oh god, after a rough day, you’re just…thank you. —Joe Biden…

Dear Mother Jones,…

Dear Mother Jones, You guys are a good magazine, but you could really reach a younger market if we teamed up. I’m just saying, Mother Jonas — think about it.…

Dear Katy Perry,…

Dear Katy Perry, How did you do it? No matter how hard I try, it seems I can never get a full tiger pelt, let alone its eye. But apparently…

Dear Teletubbies,…

Dear Teletubbies, You are so fucking hot. It’s totally normal for me to think we should have sex. —Severus Snape…

Dear Neil Armstrong,…

Dear Neil Armstrong, Can we please not play golf when we get to the moon? I just feel like there are more important uses of our time, like maybe science.…

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