Editorial Board

David Kemper ’13 CHAIRMAN

Vivacious, curious and omnivorous since 1990.

Dana Zhu ’11 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

In her past life, Dana was a cuddly bear that sniffed out cornfields and ambled through the rows, picking corn and tucking the ears under her arm. Sadly, Dana’s bear-armpit capacity was very small, so the ears of corn kept dropping out, leaving a long trail of thievery behind her. This trail frequently ended in an inviting patch of dirt where Dana could be found rolling and lolling around happily, destroying everything in her wake. Nearby villagers eventually came to hail the sight as a portent of impending ponzi schemes.

Jerry Wang ’13 PUBLISHER

Enjoys puns. Really, really enjoys puns. Never came across a pun he couldn’t love: situational puns, half-syllable puns, Greek puns, knock-knock puns, punching puns – you name it, he’s loved it. Come to think of it, maybe cares for them a bit too much. Maybe has a pun problem. May, in fact, be a card-carrying member of AA.

“Hi everybody, my name is Jerry and I’ve been in Amphibologists Anonymous for five years now. I have made some progress since I first started, and I hope soon to expunge myself altogether of the habit.” Betcha didn’t see that coming, punk.

Ngozi Ukazu ’13 SENIOR MANAGING EDITOR

Michelle Taylor ’13 MANAGING EDITOR

Alli Hugi ’13 MANAGING EDITOR

Lincoln Sedlacek ‘13 MANAGING EDITOR

For twelve years, Lincoln worked as a writer for some of PBS’s greatest children’s shows. However, his “inappropriate” approach to kid’s TV soon got him into trouble. After writing “The Magic School Bus Makes LSD,” he was moved to the Wishbone writing staff, which requested his transfer after he pitched an episode idea based off of Lolita. He worked on Sesame Street until he tried writing in a guest appearance by Big Bird’s rooster cousin, Big Cock. Finally, PBS fired him outright after a particularly gruesome Arthur Halloween special called “The Hunted,” which to this day is infamous for the scene in which Muffy is shot through the head by a redneck hunter.

Jack Newsham ’14 ONLINE EDITOR

Jack is just in this for the groupies.

Sydney Shea ‘14 DESIGN EDITOR

Sydney is from Spartanburg, SC, but never, ever says “y’all.” She spends most of her time chasing New Haven’s squirrels and trying to curb her rabid OCD (or maybe it’s the squirrels that are the rabid ones?). Because she has a fondness for activities that require every waking hour and then some, she wants to major in either architecture or computer science. She likes hyphens–also, interior decorating and logic puzzles. She drinks coffee with her cream and eats grapefruit with her sugar. She would also like to point out that not only are there an even number of sentences in this bio, there’s also an even number of vowels and an even number of personal pronouns.

Paul Robalino ’12 ART DIRECTOR

Paul “the wizard” Robalino came into diz world on 7/9/90 — get him something nice ;]   He likes to be right all the time, and iz bad at apologies: u’ve been warned. My trust is a treasure, and N0 0NE has the key.  I walk with _confidence_ cause I can back it up.  I am second to none – Don’t like it?? too bad.  In search of someone i can  t a l k  to.  L 0 V E hanging out with friends – they are my antiDRUG~.  I am also currently researching the performance of adiabatic quantum evolution on random ensembles of NP-complete problems.

Kaan Vural ’13 STAFF DIRECTOR

Daniel Fraser II ’14 PUBLICITY MANAGER

Known mostly for his extraordinary albeit short-lived success in the International Hacky Sack Circuit, Daniel prefers to be remembered as a good friend, better lover, and brilliant writer. Consequently, today he is tasked with the challenge of actually making friends, getting past second base, and writing at a capacity above a fourth grader.

Mark Sonnenblick ’12 EDITOR-AT-LARGE

Mark was born in Los Angeles and lived there his entire life until now, when he lives in New Haven.

Judd Rosenblatt ’11 OLD OWL

Judd was born at an early age to a family of Swedish peddlers. Thanks to the Record, they now peddle the Record.

Nina Beizer ’12 SENIOR EDITOR

Alison Gates ’11 SENIOR EDITOR

Alison hopes someday to write a piece about sundry tomatoes.

Jessica Bolhack ’11 SENIOR EDITOR

No soap, RADIO.

Emmy Waldman ’11 SENIOR EDITOR

Russia sees itself as the mother church of the Orthodox Church in Serbia. It used to be that Germany was very attached to Croatia. The connection of Islam in general to Kosovo and Bosnia has not been much remarked upon, but it’s pretty strong.

Emily Sigman ’11 SENIOR EDITOR

Emily is bigger than a breadbox. Much bigger. Unless, of course, the breadbox is unusually large, or there are multiple breadboxes that come together to form one superultramega breadbox capable of overtaking every major bread factory west of the Mississippi.

Simon Swartzman ’10 ADVISORY BOARD

Simon was born with the uncanny ability to standardize a manuscript’s punctuation, comma, and grammar rules with laserbeams from his eyes. We let him become Copy Editor of the Record with the single stipulation that he refrain from doing this–have you ever tried to read a draft studded with laser holes?

David Klumpp ’10

ADVISORY BOARD

A punster was bloody out-punned When the price of steak rose by a ton. He asked “Is it rare?” But was caught unprepared When chef said his joke was well-done.

Samo Gale ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Samo is a duck.

Elie Chau ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Atheism rhymes with things that rhyme with atheism.

Claire Mulaney ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Claire is afraid of the internet, so the personal information ends here.

Jacob Abolafia ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Due to copyright restrictions, Winston Churchill’s three volume biography of Jacob Abolafia cannot appear on the Record’s website. We at the Record have every hope that the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals will reverse this highly unconstitutional restriction of free speech, at which time Mr. Abolafia’s bio will be made available for full perusal. Please direct all questions to Mr. Abolafia’s attorney. E-mail: akhil.amar(at)yale(dot)edu

Nozlee Samadzadeh-Hadidi ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Nozlee doesn’t have a bio here, but, if she did, it might say something interesting or funny.

Katy Waldman ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Katy is a small-town girl with one dream–the dream of writing Sports columns for the Yale Daily News. Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding early in her freshman year, she found herself at the Record and has been diligently reporting the weekly IM standings on the back cover of the magazine ever since.

Tessa Williams ’10 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Tessa is undergoing an identity crisis and will get back to you when she realizes who she is. Right now she is eating a small piece of chicken.

Gregor Nazarian ’09 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to Gregor.

Daniel Zier ’09 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

If one word can best describe the ever-burgeoning legend that is Daniel Zier, it is undoubtedly “Speedo.” After an embarrassing trip to Brazil during which he was ostracized for his lack of genital protrusion in his standard “board shorts,” Daniel vowed never to be humiliated again by his otherwise precise sense of fashion. He unabashedly braves the brutal New Haven winter with a sensual collection of marble sacks, sporting everything from the classic, Brazilian-inspired tanga to the always-popular t-back. Aside from Speedos, Daniel’s eclectic interests range from beaches to tanning to life guarding. He is always equipped with a CPR mask and zinc oxide, and he can frequently be seen on Cross Campus instructing young children not to hang on the diving board.

Liana Moscowitz ’09 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

LIana is written correctly by not capitalizing the “i.”

Adam Bildersee ’09 ADVISORY BOARD

Buy my hats!

Ben Orlin ’09 ADVISORY BOARD

Sometimes Ben will casually use words he doesn’t really know, like “invidious.” Seriously, he dropped that one yesterday and then was like, “What am I even saying?”

Mike Thornton ’09 ADVISORY BOARD

Michael always dreamed of being a bomb-throwing leftist until he underwent season ending Tommy John surgery in 2007 to repair ligament damage in this bomb-throwing arm. While he builds up arm strength, Michael has agreed to be relegated to editing The Yale Record.

David Chernicoff ’07 ADVISORY BOARD

Many a poet, many a historian, and many a rabbi has tried to capture in words the essence of David Chernicoff’s epic rise to power: it’s Horatio Algeresque, rags-to-riches romantic appeal; his indomitable will and intrepid attitude toward danger and setback; that unique blend of hard work, natural talent, and the fruits of serendipity which, in the cases of those rare few who change the world so drastically we wonder how it revolved without their gravitational presence, is inevitably present. But there is one thing that all scholars, fans, and acquaintances can agree on: it all started in the Hood, just as he did. David Chernicoff–that ineffable blend of genius, demi-God, sex symbol, and man–was, one day long ago, just an inner-city Youth with a microphone and a dream.

David Litt ’08 ADVISORY BOARD

Now that you want him, you can’t have him. Funny how things work out like that, eh?

Eric March ’07 ADVISORY BOARD

You may have seen Eric in such delightful silver screen rip-offs as “The Wizard of Gauze”, “Eric and Fred’s Eccentric Adventure”, and “Men In Black IV: When Aliens Go Wrong”. On the other hand, you might not have.

Michael Rae-Grant ’07 ADVISORY BOARD

Age: 20 Height: 6’0” Weight: 165 lbs Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown Address: 1101 Macungie Avenue, Parkville, PA 18062 SSN: 157-83-6723 Driver’s License: 21-851-349 Credit Card: Visa, 7020-5674-0034-2304, Ex: 09/07, Verification: 672 Have fun!

Ivan Dremov ’07 SUPER SENIOR EDITOR

Ivan Dremov left Russia for Indianapolis in 1995 in order to get enough education to become the Yale Record’s circulation manager in February 2004. He then refused to leave Yale or the Record, hanging on as Managing Editor, Senior Editor, and Super Senior Editor. In his free time, Dremov speculates on commodity markets, listens to Duran Duran, and runs his corporation, Ivan Dremov Living OmniMedia.