Don’t be so hard on yourself. I mean, be hard, but not on yourself. I mean, don’t let it make you feel bad that you’re hard, because it really is hard to get the hard things and the...actually, can we start over? What I’m trying to say is that I get plenty of ass every day and it’s not really that great. -Your Couch

1. Dear Pac-Man… Dear Pac-Man, Abuse of pills and other narcotics is not...
2. Dear Man with a Raft… I see you are about to cross a river with...
3. Dear Man in the Yellow Hat… Dear Man in the Yellow Hat, I take all the...

By Smäll (h/t This Isn’t Happiness). This post is utterly unique in every regard.

The Myth and Legend issue is now here! Look inside to find some of Aesop’s less popular fables, an ancient man’s prayer to the gods, an account of Cúchulainn’s battle with the reigning beer pong champion and more! Related posts: Introducing The TV Issue! The TV Issue is here!  Read about 24, A Journal... Introducing [...]

1. Introducing The TV Issue! The TV Issue is here!  Read about 24, A Journal...
2. Introducing The Sports Issue! The Sports Issue is here! ...
3. Introducing the DIY Issue! The 2011 DIY Issue is now here! Fill out some...

The Record is proud to announce the advent of our video arm! We have finally moved into the 20th century, and we brought YouTube with us. We hope you enjoy our expansion into this newfangled and promising form of media, and that you share it with your Friends™ and tweeps alike using the buttons below [...]

I don’t know how to describe you. It’s like I’m hungry for NOT eating. -Fat Jeff

1. Dear Jeff… If you liked the Dalai Lama's My Life in Exile:...
2. Dear Eastern Philosophy Professor… While I appreciate that the Buddhist tradition emphasizes non-attachment, why...
3. Dear Esc Button… I don't know why I'm so afraid of you. Half...

Watson is created by Jim Horwitz, frequent swashbuckler. (And Watson’s on Facebook, btw.) Related posts: Watson: Veggies Every kid's worst nightmare.... Watson – The Bees Watson is created by Jim Horwitz, frequent swashbuckler. (And Watson’s... Watson – Sleeper Watson is created by Jim Horwitz, frequent swashbuckler. (And Watson’s...

1. Watson: Veggies Every kid's worst nightmare....
2. Watson – The Bees Watson is created by Jim Horwitz, frequent swashbuckler. (And Watson’s...
3. Watson – Sleeper Watson is created by Jim Horwitz, frequent swashbuckler. (And Watson’s...

I showed my boyfriend last month’s feature: “Why he calls you a nag when you’re NOT.” He told me to go make him a sandwich. Can you guys write an article on how to make sandwiches? -Becky

1. Dear Citizens… Dear Citizens, Remember, everyone: September is Awareness Month Awareness Month!...
2. Jack Maxim and Jane Cosmo on a First Date S. Swartzman • Armed with tips from magazines, an unsuspecting...
3. How To Build a Burning Man Theme Camp (D. Putney—Boing Boing) Even if you can’t make it to Burning Man this...

Oh my god, I had no idea you were so huge! -The Declaration of Independence

1. Dear John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt… Dear John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, I have a lot of...
2. Dear Up-and-Coming Comedy Writers… Dear Up-and-Coming Comedy Writers, Here are some tips for youngsters...
3. Dear Jacob… Dear Jacob, I’m just writing you regarding…hey wait a minute…what...