Posted by The Yale Record at 7:44 PM

By Emily Sigman '11

My darling wife, on the eve of our marriage, I'd like to whisper a few words to you. No, no, don't speak, my little dove. I want the world to know that I will never let you go. Ever.

When we go to sleep, I will hold you until the break of dawn. And when that dawn breaks, I'm still not going to let you go. Then midway through the day, I will surprise you at your cute little desk job, and bring you bonbons and daisies, and skunk eye that guy two cubicles down who ogles you. Then, two hours later I will drop by the house and leave rose petals on your pillows, and also make sure that you aren't in our bed with the milkman.

Continue reading "Never Let You Go... Ever" »

Posted by Ben Orlin at 8:07 PM

• I'm glad that when they made the alphabet, I and I were put in the same place.
• There's no "I" in "menage a un," but there is a "me."
• Is there a reflecting pool in my pocket? 'Cuz I just fell in love with the image of myself in my pants.
• What's my sign?
• How do I like my eggs in the morning? Preferably still as testicles.
• I lost my virginity, can I have mine?
• Nice shoes, wanna masturbate?
• I wish I were E^x so I could lie tangent to my own curves.
• There's a party in my pants and I'm invited.
• I look a lot like my next boyfriend.

Posted by Ben Orlin at 5:12 PM

Here's what I don't get about therapy. You pay a guy to help you with your problems, but all he does is sit there and listen to you drone on and on. Waste of money, right? I might as well be talking to that fichus right there. 

Who even came up with the name fichus? It sounds like a Roman's dog. "Here, Fichus! Go fetch the discus!" Or it could be a swear word for a giant. You know - "Fee fi fo... aw, fichus, what happened to my golden harp?" And everyone already knows the answer to that question. Jack stole it! Or was that the goose with the Golden Eggs?

What's the deal with questions, anyway? I mean, there's always that high-pitched ending to the sentence. You know? It's like they're breathing in helium. And forget about those people who are tone deaf! You know: the ones who can't modulate their voice tone at all. They sound like they're asking questions all day. Like therapists. What's the deal with therapy, anyway?

Posted by Ben Orlin at 2:25 PM

By Ben Orlin '09

To be diagnosed with March Madness, a patient must present with no fewer than four (4) of the following emotional or behavioral disturbances, for a period of no fewer than two (2) weeks, beginning no later than the Round of Thirty-Two (32):

• Diminished productivity at work or school
• Uncontrollable mood swings
• Overuse of Cinderella metaphors
• Compulsive refreshing of ESPN.com
• Irrational hatred of Duke University
• Hallucinations of charging
• Picking two 11-seeds to go to the Elite Eight

Note that March Madness is highly comorbid with Pennant Fever. No proven treatment exists, but if UCLA loses in the final four, then a maintenance dose of pretzels and beer can reduce depressive symptoms.

Posted by Ben Orlin at 4:15 PM

Many people think of the Weather Girls--best known for the dance hit "It's Raining Men"--as a one-hit wonder. Not so. Among their other songs:

• It's Hailing Men
• It's Misting Men
• It's Groundswelling Men
• It's a Cool Low-Pressure System Moving in From the West... of Men
• It's Drizzling Hermaphrodites
• It's Sleeting Meat
• Cloudy with a Chance of Men
• 7 to 9 Inches
  

Posted by Ben Orlin at 8:58 PM

By Ben Orlin '09

A month before he resigned from office, Eliot Spitzer was asked by an old friend if he liked being governor of New York. "I hate it," he answered. "Really?" the friend asked. "Yeah, I'd rather be a high-school teacher."

-Newsweek, March 24, 2008

MR. SPITZER: Okay, class. Welcome back from break. Let's resume our study of American history with a little quiz on governmental ethics.
STUDENT #1: Aw, Mr. Spitzer, a pop quiz on the first day back?

Continue reading "Mr. Spitzer" »

Posted by Ben Orlin at 10:02 PM