To: Research Division From: Corporate Headquarters Date: 2/23/2014 Re: Research Objectives
Dear Scientist Thralls,
Pfizer is and has always been committed to learning what lessons we can from the serendipitous nature of our research. Who knew that little hypertension project on Sildenafil would produce our number one best seller, the little blue pill? I don’t know about you geeks, but in Corporate we call that a message. And by that I mean this entire company will now be focusing exclusively on Viagra.
Oh, but you’re working on developing a treatment for Ebola? News flash, Gandhi, you’re not in Uganda any more. That promising new HIV vaccine? Soooo 1988. Cure for Alzheimer’s? Forget about it. What we’re asking is for you to drop all of that and devote your attention to making Viagra even better.
What do we mean by even better? We mean dream bigger, longer, and harder, because this is going to be huge—like nine inches huge. Viagra 2.0 is about to solve all the problems of an impotent mankind. Premature ejaculation? You’re about to make lasting longer part of the Viagra guarantee. Problems coming up with new positions? Viagra 2.0 will upload the Kama Sutra directly into your nether regions. Total penile control via iPad? By late 2015, you will make this American dream a reality. With the help of Viagra 2.0, soon enough this whole department will be inserting itself into the future of health and medicine—pitching a tent up within a new frontier.
Indeed, Viagra 2.0 is more than a drug, it’s a Lifestyle. You read that right. In anticipation of our new pill, Pfizer has purchased “Lifestyle” and many other popular brands of prophylactics…but once you’re done with them, they’re going to become our newest drug delivery device. Forgot your meds? No worries, the Viagrubber’s got you covered—literally! Not only will the Viagrubbers provide twice the usual amount of stiffness, but their pleasant blue color will also help facilitate the kinky Smurf roleplay that will feature heavily in our ad campaigns.
“But, Doctor, what should I do if the condition lasts for more than four hours?”
That’s right, if all goes well, the new formula should last for nearly three days or more, providing a rock-solid boost of confidence not only in the bedroom, but all other parts of your life. We’re getting big right now with just the thought alone. A least we think we are. In truth, none of us have been able to feel our lower bodies since those guys in Legal dared us to snort that experimental Celebrex. But then again, why the fuck did we ever decide to make arthritis drugs anyway?
I should add that if none of that convinced you to take part, well, it’s going to make you enough money to purchase the souls of your enemies, and that’s before we get started on the Android version of the app.
Oh, and if you don’t work on it, we’ll fire you.