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The Crime Issue
Adivice Column: Ask Your Parole Officer
aneesh raghunandan
Dear Parole Officer,
Where should I bury the body?
– The Butcher of Boston
Butcher,
As a disclaimer, let me remind you
that murder is a violation of your parole!
However, if you’ve been framed with a
body and would like to dispose of it, then
I’m glad to help out. First, remember
to wear gloves, boots, long sleeves—the
usual. This way, none of your DNA’s
going to get on the body. Also, don’t
throw it in a river; you’d be surprised
what people find when they go fishing.
Personally, I’d bury the body in Fenway
Park—that way, when the police find it,
they’ll just assume it’s a casualty of the
Curse of the Bambino. Follow these
simple steps and you’ll be safe. The last
thing I’d want is for an innocent ex-con
to be assumed guilty based merely on his
past as a cold-blooded killer!
– Your P.O.
Dear Parole Officer,
I’ve got no idea what to do with my life! I’m running out of money and nobody’s hiring me, or even interviewing me—their excuse is my past, but I don’t buy it. So what if I embezzled a few million? That was years ago! It’s not like they needed it. I’m thinking of getting some “buddies” of mine to “convince” someplace to hire me. Any ideas as to how I should do this?
– Rob Bingem (P.S. Since I’ve given out my actual name, do any of you potential employers list on monster.com? If so, check me out…)
Rob,
Remember, threatening someone— directly or not—violates the terms of your parole! However, if by “convince” you merely mean “persuade by reasoned argument,” then I’m all for it. Just get your “buddies” to “convince” some “executives” that you’re a reformed person, and try not to make a hobby of embezzlement (although I admit one has to give in to guilty pleasures every now and then).
– Your P.O.
P.S. Do we have the same “buddies” who’re good at “convincing” people?
Dear Parole Officer,
I’ve been out for three weeks, but my bitch won’t be on parole for another thirteen months. At first I was content keeping up a long distance relationship, but I heard last week he whored himself out for some lime Jell-O. Now I’m not sure what to think of him. Should I stick with it and hope for the best, or send him death threats then search for new love?
– Heartbroken in Hoboken
Heartbroken,
Trust me: it’s not worth it. I’ve heard bad things about long-distance relationships involving prisoners; one party winds up emotionally scarred, and the other physically. Also, there are more choices in the real world. Just don’t attempt to woo anyone via threats— remember, you’re not in prison anymore! By the way, since I’m here to help, don’t forget that death threats are a violation of your parole.
– Your P.O.
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