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The Fun-In-The-Sun Issue
by the Record Staff
Dear Yale Record,
Well, I don't have fun in the sun!
– Icarus
Dear Yale Record,
Tommy! Tommy Perkins! Perkinsperkinsperkins... TOM-MY!!!
– Tommy Perkins, Age 7, Going Through a "Pokemon" phase
Dear Martha's Vineyard,
Let me caress your voluptuous inlets and fishing holes and whatnot.
– Nantucket
Dear Yale Record,
Are you reading that? Well, could you hurry up?
– Commons Newspaper Pick-up Lady
Dear Yale Record,
Why can't we have a "Fun Where the Sun Don't Shine" number? My mom says I burn too easy to go in the sun.
–Little Timmy
Dear Yale University,
We'd like to offer you an exclusive promotional contract we think you'll love. We'll fund your Science Hill development projects, and all Yale has to do in return is change its motto to "Lux et Gorditas."
– Taco Bell
Dear Yale Record,
Oh yeah, uh-huh, I am the best darned mountain lion around. That's right. Second to none. Numero uno.
– Sammy the Self-Deluding Mountain Lion
Dear Yale Record,
Knock knock.
– Knock-Knock Joke
Dear Knock-Knock Joke,
Who's there?
– Yale Record
Dear Yale Record,
Banana.
– Knock-Knock Joke
Dear "Orange you glad..." Knock-Knock Joke,
I know who you are. Also, don't you think it's better to tell this kind of joke all at once, rather than serially in letter form? I think the effect is lost.
– Yale Record
Dear Yale Record,
Orange you glad I didn't say "banana?"
(Knock knock. Who's there? Pause. Pause who? Pause for laughter.)
– Knock-Knock Joke
Dear "Orange you glad..." Knock-Knock Joke,
We never went through the "Banana who?" rigmarole, and I never asked "Orange who?" You forced that punchline on me. I don't appreciate that.
– Yale Record
Dear Mr. Franklin,
You said that "both fish and visitors smell after 3 days." I don't have a calendar in my house. How should I prepare roasted halibut?
Gratefully,
Millie Thompson
Dear Bob Dylan,
It's seven. Seven times. Now shut the hell up and let me sleep.
The White Dove
Dear Yale Record,
Quick! You guys gotta help me! Oh man, give me some place to hide! Oh, thanks! You guys are the best.
Charles the Robot
Dear Yale Record,
Did you see that danged robot? Hoo-wee! I'm gonna git me a robot! Hoo-wee!
Cletus the Robot Hunter
Dear Yale Record,
Have you ever gotten really high and just written a letter to yourself? It's Phat.
Yale Record
Ed: No.
Dear Resident,
If you ever want to see your son/daughter/wife/pet snake Iggy again, please leave in the trash can at the corner of 34th and Elm no less than:
( )$1,000,000 [Patron]
( )$500,000 [Donor]
( )$10,000 [Friend]
( )$3 [Student]
Do not contact the authorities.
Gratefully yours,
The Kidnappers
Dear Yale Record,
C'mon, guys. This isn't funny anymore. Where'd you hide my kidneys?
Some Whiny Dork
Dear Director,
We regret to inform you that our last missive was intended to inform you that the department should be converted to UNIX, not EUNUCHS. Please confirm cancellation of the moyle; he wasn't quite suited for the job anyway.
Cordially yours,
Walter P. Messerschmidt
Dear Yale Record,
I am writing to complain about the freshman who just moved into my old dorm room in Connecticut Hall. He is a drunkard and a fornicator of the worst kind, and he hung a Led Zeppelin poster right where my woodcut of John Winthrop used to be.
Nathan Hale
Dear Yale Record,
Well, you told me to kiss your hairy red ass!
Amelia Bedelia
© 2007 by the Yale Record. All rights reserved.
Disclaimer: This magazine is published by Yale College students and Yale University is not responsible for its contents.