Memorable Moments in the History of the Harvard-Yale Game

1890: Mysterious time rift opens and transports both starting teams to the field of Super Bowl XXV, 100 years in the future, immediately after kickoff. Since helmets and 250-pound linebackers didn’t exist in the 19th century, seven Ivy Leaguers die in the ensuing collisions. Result: Yale’s bench beats Harvard’s bench 21-14.

1891: When it becomes clear there will be no time rift this year, the Yale Bowl crowd gets bored and leaves to watch the Harvard-Yale Regatta. Result: Harvard leads 6-0 at the half before both teams decide to forget the whole thing and wander over to Lake Winnipesaukee. Harvard wins by 34 seconds.

1918: The Game called off due to the Great War. The quarterbacks compete to see who can throw the most grenades into German trenches. Result: 94 dead Krauts for Yale, and 86 for Harvard, plus one who was still twitching when they signed the Treaty of Versailles.

1937: Yale pranksters paint Harvard Stadium blue, obscuring every field marking and making football impossible. Result: The teams idly toss a cake pan back and forth; someone makes up some rules and invents Ultimate Frisbee.

1956: Down three with ten seconds to go, Harvard’s quarterback throws a desperate Hail Mary pass. Willie Mays comes out of nowhere and catches it over his shoulder without looking. Result: Harvard 20, Yale 17

1980: Harvard and Yale join forces to oppose the Soviet football team at the 1980 Summer Olympics. Result: In what becomes known as the “Anticlimax on Grass,” the USSR pummels America 49-0. This ray of hope rejuvenates Communism, and the Cold War drags on for another decade.

2011: In a parallel universe, a flamboyantly gay Patrick Witt leads the Bulldogs to a stunning upset. Result: Witt is awarded the Rhodes Scholarship and Yale enjoys a perfect, drama-free year.

—A. Gertler

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