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Home » Writing » Shorts/Lists » Virginia Earthquake 2011

Virginia Earthquake 2011


DC earthquake Virginia Earthquake 2011

Yesterday, an earthquake rocked the Northeast. What were its effects?

• Gave soft East Coasters taste of daredevil Pacific Rim lifestyle

• 83,000+ panicked, non-retractable marriage proposals

• Finally got the bag of Fritos hanging out of B3

• Beaches crowded with disappointed people waiting to commit tsuicide

• Seismologists become only occupation to post job gains this quarter

• Virginia gets even more Federal money

• meatball sub spilled on khakis at important client lunch

• Granddads and grandsons all along Eastern Seaboard headin’ to the attic and dustin’ off the ol’ Richter to see if there’s a lil’ juice left in ‘er

• Confirmed suspicions of 10% of US that gays will be our undoing

• Gave Malia opening she needed to steal Sasha’s diary, finally read about what slumber parties are like

• Countless tasteless tweets by professional athletes

• Foiled Dr. Claw’s plan at last moment in way that seems like Gadget’s doing

• 23 games of Jenga ended prematurely

• Caused Dr. Ed Patrick, 57, to finally admit once and for all that he should have married the woman he loved, not the woman his parents chose for him

• Freaked shit out of me

—Staff

20sdingbat Virginia Earthquake 2011

 



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