Dear Katy Perry,…

Dear Katy Perry,

How did you do it? No matter how hard I try, it seems I can never get a full tiger pelt, let alone its eye. But apparently you’ve got the eye of the tiger, even when you’re dancing through fire. Gosh, you’re really a champion. I’ve tried all sorts of methods: drowning it in boiling acid, holding its cubs hostage, shooting for the paw, but I just can’t seem to do it!

—A poacher who enjoys pop music