Introduction

I'm very excited about The Record's new web site because I'm convinced that it will end my sexual frustration. I don't normally have much contact with girls; in fact, I actively avoid speaking to them, because their interests are confined to shopping, clothes, and emotional well-being. (Why do they let such frivolous creatures attend Yale? I have no idea.) But once young women visit The Record's site, and, upon viewing the source code, note that I wrote all the HTML by hand with a text editor, their tiny brains will pop with admiration. They'll fall over themselves in their rush to offer me casual sex. I'll finally be able to achieve physical gratification without the usual pretense of emotional involvement!

Of course, I can't overlook this site's primary role as a showcase for the creative efforts of The Record's staff. What a thrill it must be for the writers and artists of the nation's oldest college humor magazine to have people from all over the world read The Record online! In order to show you the attitude of excitement that filled The Record's office on the eve of this site's launch, I asked the rest of the staff to comment on our magazine's bold step into the Information Age.

– David Fabricant, Webmaster and Editorial Associate

Let’s put it this way: A Record web site? You must be out of your god-damned mind! I mean, words, much less humor, on a website? Why that’s like rice on ketchup. What is this whole web nonsense anyway? All the kids are talking about surfing the web. And those computers they keep talking about. You know, the ones that bring you stuff? Like the kids will be all sitting near the Jacuzzi, they’ll snap their fingers, yell, "Hey, Lucy!" and their computers will come out with big pitchers of cool, refreshing lemonade... with Scotch in it! Well, I can stand to get my own damn lemonade god-damnit, and I’m not too lazy to read humor. And I don’t want Scotch in my cool, refreshing lemonade. I don’t need to get some god-damned computer to read my humor for me. I can read, you know. What? You don’t believe me, because you’re reading this on a computer? Look, I wrote this with pen and paper; I didn’t get some computer to do it for me.

– Lee Tyler, Content Editor and Art Director

I am glad that The Record has a new website, and that you are reading my thoughts about it. At this very moment, you are expecting to read something funny, which means that your eyes will detect forms on the cathode ray tube in front of you, sending signals to your optic nerve, which will, in turn, transform these signals (you hope) into an ion current that causes your diaphragm to contract rapidly, squeezing air out of you as well as triggering pleasure centers in your brain. Or perhaps you cannot even read English, so you will not even be able to understand what I have just written. In which case I will tell you to go the fuck home.

– Jack Snyder, Publisher

Why am I excited? 01110100 10101010 10001001 01010101 01011111 01010010!

– Matt Matera, Editor-in-Chief

The Record finally has a new website. How can I express my emotions? With the quotes of others, since I can't think of anything? Of course!

"Happy happy joy joy." - Ren and Stimpy

"And there was much rejoicing." - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again." - Gone With the Wind

"Impressive...most impressive." - Star Wars

– Jules Lipoff, Public Relations Director

I prefer www.monolithic.com. Check out Dome talk radio!

– Kari Griffin, Staff Director

I'm glad The Record has a new site, 'cause the old one was nothing but a lousy drunkard.

– Nick Danforth, Editorial Associate

I'm glad The Record has a new site, because the old site, www.priceline.com, has gone right down the toilet.

– Tony Lazenka, Editorial Associate

I am very excited that the surface on which our jokes are printed will no longer yellow with age. After we have all passed on to new worlds, some "Eli" of the future will be nervously searching for his or her record on the web, so that she can apply for an internship anywhere far, far away from the Milky Way. However, this young hopeful, this ripening pear, will find no grades, but another beast entirely- our writing. And perhaps she will laugh so hard at our preserved jokes that, not only will her "belly shake like a bowl full of jelly," as one of the lauded poets she had studied in D.S. once put it, all her life dreams will overturn. Inspired by this expired writing, she will decide that she can never leave earth with all its wonders here described, but must remain to become an I-banker instead.

– Sarah McDonough, Editorial Associate