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When duty calls, you can’t always wait for a "restroom"; and when inspiration strikes, you can’t always wait for a "publication date." Below are sNews issues and one-pagers we’ve circulated between issues over the last few years.
SNEWS
February 23, 2007
Dining Services Ends Five-Month-Long Joke, Will Begin Serving Food Monday; Inaugural Africa Week Ends with Massacre in Rebel-Held Swing Space
November 3, 2006
Misunderstood Lacrosse Player Wishes Someone Would Read His Poems about Lacrosse-Playing; Inner City Cat Community Plagued By Curiosity
October 20, 2006
Cartoon of Gourmet Heaven Manager Muhammed Angers World's Muslims; Child of Immaculate Conception Born with Flippers
October 6, 2006
Yale Implements Early Inebriation Policy in Response to Harvard Tailgate Policies; Timothy Dwight Klezmer A Capella All-Clicks-and-Whistles Pops Orchestra Fills Last Remaining Musical Niche on Campus
September 21, 2006
Astronomers No Longer Recognize Pluto Nash as Eddie Murphy Film; Hot Girl in Section Aware She is Hot Girl in Section
OTHER WEEKLIES
Conspiracy: An Etymology
That humble word conspiracy has its roots reflected directly in its acoustic appearance: Khan’s Piracy, referring obviously to those days when the great and mighty warlord of the noble Mongol race and stately pleasure dome Kublai Khan ranged savagely throughout the land.
Joining the International Jewish Conspiracy
All about the apparently pervasive but little-publicized organization known as the Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy.
Phreshmen Phun
Some phreshly minted humor to tide you over until the November issue.
Lengthy study concludes: singer Nelly Furtado nothing like a bird
Breaking news from the Yale Record.
When Books Happen Too Fast
by Mollie Wilson
No time to read these classic works?
No problem!
Valentine's Day Pamphlet
by Record Staff
Plenty of only slightly bitter Valentine's Day fun.
Our Lady of Good Counsel
by Mollie Wilson
Mollie intervenes to save these religious postings from obscurity.
Working Titles for Television Shows
by Record Staff
The Record's research team reveals the original titles of your favorite TV shows.
The English Classroom
by Record Staff
Please scoff at the following combinations of English theory and fun classroom handouts.
Yale Daily News Caption Contest!
by Record Staff '06
The following pictures, found in last week's YDN, were recaptioned by a bemused freshman staff.
Class of 2006 Remains Very, Very Confused
by Ilya Kushnirsky '01
According to the Office of the Registrar, only four of the incoming freshmen have registered for classes, and almost a third of them still haven’t arrived on campus. "Turnout has been less than ideal," admits a spokesman, "but we’re still expecting to get fat off the late registration fees."
False Starts: The Dolphin Story
Piece 1
Piece 2
Piece 3
FBI called in to address Yale Daily News' handling of parody news stories
Says bureau chief: Princeton jokes must stop
Yale Record interrupts summer hiatus to act responsibly
by Charles U. Bacharach '03
New Investment Banking Major is a Big Success
by Adrian Bonenberger '02
"This is the most humiliating day of my professional career," sighed ex-Professor of Economics Gardah Milhami, "and I don’t think our Marxist friend Professor Berger is going to take it very well."
The Yale Journal for Resumé Padding
by Jules Lipoff '03 and Mollie Wilson '03
The YJRP is the only campus publication to openly admit that it exists not for the gratification of the reading public, but for the sole purpose of giving responsible-sounding titles to a number of lazy, marginally-affiliated students.
Are Transfer Students Taking Over?
by Adrian Bonenberger '02
Getting into Yale is hard, but getting into Yale as a transfer student? That’s absurd.
Carroll’s CD Shop On Broadway is Closing Forever
by Ian Dallas '00
"No we’re not," says local business owner.
A Coarse Critique
by Record Alums
Reactions to Professor Atch's lecture-oriented history class ranged from confusion to indignation to tacit resignation. "I didn't think that my mother was a whore, a floozy, or a trollop," said a bewildered freshman. "Turns out she was all three."
Notes from the Drug Trade
by Russell Ingfrege, '02
When it was time to publish his suspense novel Oxford Days last year, History Professor James Crowley turned to The Record first.
A Letter from Ginsberg
actually by Tony Lazenka '03
Dear Record, I have tried without resolution to expose the revisionist editing of the Yale Daily News (see my Mar. 3 YDN article: A Wonderful Experience), and so now turn to you.
From Russia with Love
by Mollie Wilson '03
Once upon a time, as I was working in the stacks of Sterling Memorial Library, I came across a wonderful book of Russian Greeting Cards. After perusing its pages and being irreparably scarred by what I found, I naturally decided I had to share my favorites with you.
Hey, Bulldog!
by Varian Cannon '92
Download it!
Blink Through the Ages
by David Lee '02
Besides being poster boys for pop music, the members of the band Blink-182 have been poster boys for an assortment of other things during their tenure.
Valentine's Day with the Record
Here's a three-part Weekly to prove our undying love for you, our reader.
Customizable Valentine's Day
Greeting
by David Fabricant '04
The Record's Valentine's Day message service allowed Yalies to send
Valentine's Day messages to their fellow students. Those customers who were too
lazy to write their own messages could fill out this shameless MadLibs pastiche
instead.
Instructions for Self-Gratification
by David Reiman '05
The Record's Valentine's Day service also let certain perverse Yalies
send "Self-Gratification Kits" to their sexually frustrated friends. Each kit
included stimulating images, a tube of lubricant, a Kleenex, and these
instructions.
101 Ways to Have Sex (Without Making
Love)
by Michael Sloan '02 and Jules Lipoff '03
The Record parodies "101 Ways to Make Love (Without Having Sex)," Yale's
most notorious health education flyer.
The War on Terrorism: Updates from the AP Wire
by Sarah Pearce '05
Taliban officials have signaled to the United States that they
are unsure of the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden. "We can't
figure out what happened," said the official communiqué. "Our
guys were guarding his cave, they went out for five minutes to
get a sandwich - five minutes! - and when they came back, he
was gone."
Science Headlines
by Nick Danforth '04
Scientists send paper plate to the moon
"Now, if only we could send another one!" excited scientists fret
Scientists resurrect the turtle
"Take that, Jesus!" taunt excited scientists.
A General Tso Special
by Tony Lazenka '03
But for the past few months something new has caught Tso's
eye: the eccentric Kansu princess Miao, who's just recently
had a spat with her father and's now fled to the corridor
cliffs. Love-struck, Tso can't wait for some unforeseen
sitzkrieg to finally meet her, so his current victory is to
communicate to her through his messenger pigeons. Like some
lazy scheme of Hermes, soon gifts ascend from Tso's
messages, and then one day, in a glorious train of
eighty-four pigeons, Tso ascends himself.
Student Buys T-Shirt at Urban Outfitters, Now Too
Self-Conscious to Wear It
by Jack Kukoda '02
NEW HAVEN - A recent trip to Urban Outfitters ended in
tragedy Monday for Josh Blakely, CC ‘03. "When I first went
into Urban, I was really excited," said Josh. "The clothes
there reminded me of the funky styles I saw in New York
City's East Village when I interned for Goldman Sachs last
summer. I figured that if I bought some clothes there people
would think I was an authentic tragically hip bohemian guy."
Boy, was he wrong.
My Pal Chopin
by Tony Lazenka '03
Mom thought it'd be nice if I took Chopin to see the San
Francisco orchestra movie at the movie theater. Chopin
thought the first song was crap so we snuck into Captain
Infinity instead. There was only the last part where
Captain Infinity takes a rocket ship into space where it
would continue next week, but Chopin said the score from
that part was the best.
Yale College Teacher Recommendation
Acquired by David Fabricant '04
I love working in Yale's admissions office because I get to
read applicants' personal essays and recommendation letters.
Here's a particularly hilarious recommendation that I swiped
from the Class of '05 file.
Page 1
Page 2
George Carlin
Interviewed by Jules Lipoff '03
George Carlin's television breakthrough came in the 1960’s
with his Hippy Dippy Weatherman character. Since then he has
released 18 hit comedy albums, won two Grammy and two Cable
Ace awards, and starred in 10 solo HBO comedy specials.
Carlin recently visited the Yale campus for a Master’s Tea
co-sponsored by the Record and Pierson College.
Misc. America
by Michael Sloan '02
For those who think that the Miss America pageant is nothing
more than out-dated, sexist show-boating, you are wrong.
The Ballasted Orchestra
by Tony Lazenka '03
In May 1937, seventeen nervous students at the Gottingen
Conservatory were set to become "the world's first launched
chamber group," until each member and instrument in the
ensemble became a part of the worst catastrophe the
dirigible industry had known.
The Record's New Site – The Staff Reacts
by The Record staff
I don’t need to get some god-damned computer to read my
humor for me. I can read, you know. What? You don’t believe
me, because you’re reading this on a computer? Look,
I wrote this with pen and paper; I didn’t get some
computer to do it for me.
This page was last updated October 23 2010!
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