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When duty calls, you canít always wait for a "restroom"; and when inspiration strikes, you canít always wait for a "publication date." Below are sNews issues and one-pagers weíve circulated between issues over the last few years.
Customizable Valentine's Day
by David Fabricant '04
The Record's Valentine's Day message service allowed Yalies to send Valentine's Day messages to their fellow students. Those customers who were too lazy to write their own messages could fill out this shameless MadLibs pastiche instead.
Instructions for Self-Gratification
by David Reiman '05
The Record's Valentine's Day service also let certain perverse Yalies send "Self-Gratification Kits" to their sexually frustrated friends. Each kit included stimulating images, a tube of lubricant, a Kleenex, and these instructions.
101 Ways to Have Sex (Without Making
by Michael Sloan '02 and Jules Lipoff '03
The Record parodies "101 Ways to Make Love (Without Having Sex)," Yale's most notorious health education flyer.
The War on Terrorism: Updates from the AP Wire
by Sarah Pearce '05
Taliban officials have signaled to the United States that they are unsure of the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden. "We can't figure out what happened," said the official communiquť. "Our guys were guarding his cave, they went out for five minutes to get a sandwich - five minutes! - and when they came back, he was gone."
by Nick Danforth '04
Scientists send paper plate to the moon
"Now, if only we could send another one!" excited scientists fret
Scientists resurrect the turtle
"Take that, Jesus!" taunt excited scientists.
A General Tso Special
by Tony Lazenka '03
But for the past few months something new has caught Tso's eye: the eccentric Kansu princess Miao, who's just recently had a spat with her father and's now fled to the corridor cliffs. Love-struck, Tso can't wait for some unforeseen sitzkrieg to finally meet her, so his current victory is to communicate to her through his messenger pigeons. Like some lazy scheme of Hermes, soon gifts ascend from Tso's messages, and then one day, in a glorious train of eighty-four pigeons, Tso ascends himself.
Student Buys T-Shirt at Urban Outfitters, Now Too Self-Conscious to Wear It
by Jack Kukoda '02
NEW HAVEN - A recent trip to Urban Outfitters ended in tragedy Monday for Josh Blakely, CC Ď03. "When I first went into Urban, I was really excited," said Josh. "The clothes there reminded me of the funky styles I saw in New York City's East Village when I interned for Goldman Sachs last summer. I figured that if I bought some clothes there people would think I was an authentic tragically hip bohemian guy." Boy, was he wrong.
My Pal Chopin
by Tony Lazenka '03
Mom thought it'd be nice if I took Chopin to see the San Francisco orchestra movie at the movie theater. Chopin thought the first song was crap so we snuck into Captain Infinity instead. There was only the last part where Captain Infinity takes a rocket ship into space where it would continue next week, but Chopin said the score from that part was the best.
Yale College Teacher Recommendation
Acquired by David Fabricant '04
I love working in Yale's admissions office because I get to read applicants' personal essays and recommendation letters. Here's a particularly hilarious recommendation that I swiped from the Class of '05 file.
Interviewed by Jules Lipoff '03
George Carlin's television breakthrough came in the 1960ís with his Hippy Dippy Weatherman character. Since then he has released 18 hit comedy albums, won two Grammy and two Cable Ace awards, and starred in 10 solo HBO comedy specials. Carlin recently visited the Yale campus for a Masterís Tea co-sponsored by the Record and Pierson College.
by Michael Sloan '02
For those who think that the Miss America pageant is nothing more than out-dated, sexist show-boating, you are wrong.
The Ballasted Orchestra
by Tony Lazenka '03
In May 1937, seventeen nervous students at the Gottingen Conservatory were set to become "the world's first launched chamber group," until each member and instrument in the ensemble became a part of the worst catastrophe the dirigible industry had known.
The Record's New Site Ė The Staff Reacts
by The Record staff
I donít need to get some god-damned computer to read my humor for me. I can read, you know. What? You donít believe me, because youíre reading this on a computer? Look, I wrote this with pen and paper; I didnít get some computer to do it for me.
This page was last updated October 23 2010!
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