The Yale Record | The Weeklies

	magazine current issue back issues supplementals weeklies submit
	about Read about The Record and learn how to join the staff.
	staff Read about the people who are responsible for all this.
	subscribe Get access to full versions of the new Record issues.
	advertise Place an ad in the Record.
	events The Record's guest speakers, pranks, and other activities.
	alumni Get involved with the magazine; contact other erstwhile Recordians.
	contact

Instructions for Self-Gratification
by David Reiman '05

Assemble your own Self-Gratification kit – a bottle of lotion and a Hustler would do nicely – and follow these instructions:

We at the Yale Record thank you for your continued use of the HumanBody 2002 product. This Self-Gratification Kit, the SG2-14, will allow you to attain maximum performance in your HB2002. Before using the SG2-14, you must first determine which model HB2002 is yours. Trace a line with your forefinger from the unit's navel to the intersection of its subjacent limbs. If you feel a protrusion, you own the model "M" HB2002; please follow the appropriate instructions for use of the SG2-14. If you feel a depression, you own a model "F" HB2002; please follow the appropriate instructions for the use of the SG2-14. If you feel neither, repeat the procedure, or proceed to your nearest Yale Record representative for model verification.

For owners of the model "M":
Remove all outer packaging from the unit before attempting to use the SG2-14. Now, about a third of the way to halfway down the HB2002, you should find a lever and a capsule. Adjust the lever so that it has expanded to its maximum potential. Manipulate the lever, maintaining constant contact. To increase the procedure's efficiency, try using the machine oil included in this SG2-14 kit. Additionally, pressure to the capsule below the lever or greater manipulation of the blunt end of the lever should expedite the process. If you need help, the SG2-14 kit includes some detailed diagrams; these should help fulfill the SG2-14's purpose. As soon as the procedure is complete, please utilize the proper cleaning materials (also included in the SG2-14) to keep your HB2002 in good working order.

For owners of the model "F":
Remove all outer packaging from the unit before attempting to use the SG2-14. Now, about a third of the way to halfway down the HB2002, you should find a panel. Exert slight pressure around the outer panel, and maneuver it to the poles of the HB2002 unit. The panel should slide apart to allow access to the HB2002's multimedia port. At this point, you may apply some machine oil (included in the SG2-14 kit) to the panel and port area. Continue to manipulate the outer panel. Attempt digital input for the SG2-14. If available, use additional tools or accessories. If at any point you need assistance, refer to the detailed diagrams included in the SG2-14. When the procedure is complete, do not attempt to close the panel; the HB2002 Plug-and-Play port is designed to shut itself down after operation. As needed, use the attached cleaning materials to keep your HB2002 in good working order.

Thank you for your continued use of the HB2002. If you are having great difficulty with your SG2-14, please feel free to contact our help line at 1-900-938-8336 ($2.95 per minute)^*; any other questions should be directed to your nearest Yale Record representative or to the nearest health clinic (DUH). Please visit our website at http://www.yale.edu/record. Thank you once again. We hope you enjoy your SG2-14. Happy Valentines Day!

Yours,
The product support team of The Yale Record

^* The Yale Record is not associated in any way with 1-900-WET-TEEN or its affiliates.